I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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