I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Randomize
