My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
