Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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