Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
