ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
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