Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Randomize
