So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
