Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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