yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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