Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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