I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
This girl is more easily done than said...
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
