if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
a search helicopter?!
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
