i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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