I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
