I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
COCAINE IS GR8
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
