There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
