I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
