I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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