If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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