sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
