When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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