Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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