Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
false alarm, still single
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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