remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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