I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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