atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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