haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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