I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Randomize
