she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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