1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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