the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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