the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Randomize