You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
