Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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