You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize