Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I licked your asshole in confidence.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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