I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
