Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
