I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
