i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
