I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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