I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
