Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Randomize
