i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
love makes seman taste better
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
