my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
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