haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
