these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
