Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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