i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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