Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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