Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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