I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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