if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
