I'm laying in your front yard are you home
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
