She said her name was "party"
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Say something about gay babies.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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