just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
