He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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