She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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