I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Randomize
