this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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