I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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