sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
