If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
