who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
