dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
