You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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