Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
